Smoking Satire

No Smoking

Smoking Is The Way To Roll
*Cough Cough*
In health classes all around the world teachers warn students about smoking cigarettes and other tobacco products. These instructors preach bogus facts like smoking is the number one preventable death cause in the US and more. Poor students suffer through lectures, handouts, pamphlets, posters and TV commercials all warning why tobacco is so bad. Blah Blah Blah. All people really yearn for is to just sit down and smoke one. After all, I do it and so do many others. No way can it be harmful.
So many organizations talk about the negative health effects of tobacco. Nicotine is addictive. You get mouth sores and gum disease. Wrinkles show up sooner. Ear organs receive less oxygen, therefore causing hearing loss. A person who smokes is more likely to get cancer, especially lung and mouth. There are more health issues too but they’re so minor (emphysema, low fertility in females, etc.). They also claim smoking is costly, but coming from a firsthand perspective it only eats up about 25% of my income. Some people say smoking stinks, and that’s an opinion so it doesn’t even count.
I’d first like to rebutt the health “risks” so often associated with smoking.
*Cough Cough*
Excuse me, I have a chronic cough. Anyways, back to the false accusations on smoking. Everybody is always so afraid of getting addicted. Addiction is a mental game, just like being cold. It’s all about having a strong mind. Only the weak get hooked on substances, so just man up. Health organizations warn about early aging too. Wrinkles are not a bad thing, okay? They give a person a sense of maturity. Have you ever disliked an old person? I think not. People will associate your wrinkles and droopy skin with knowledge and kindness. Lastly and most importantly, the long term diseases, such as cancers, emphysema, and lung disease. They are all minor when you think of the advantages you get out of them. Any time-consuming health issue gets you out of work and school. Nobody can get upset with you for skipping a few days to get chemotherapy. Think of all the sympathy you’ll get. People will flock to you saying, “Are you alright?” “Will you be making a full recovery?” and my favorite “Can I help you with anything?” Disease gets you friends. I swear on my E-vape.
Let’s discuss the good aspects that smoking gives, besides ailment. Smokers always have a distinct smell. That waft of smoke you smell outside the bar, that’s from a smoker. You knew it was them before you even looked. Don’t you want instant recognition? Half the fun in smoking is that people know what you do right away, they understand the lifestyle you follow. You just want to relax and have fun; maybe go to concerts and be a truly cool person. They get you. On that note, smokers are always the best rock stars, and celebrities smoke too. Tobacco just gives an extra flare to a musician’s voice or that needed spark to an actor’s performance. Just think of Elvis Presley and Kurt Cobain. They both smoked and they both had great lives.
Another less-observed, positive characteristic of smoking is the national pride. Smokers pay huge taxes on tobacco products. Nobody donates as much to the government than us. Think about the iconic ideal of rocking in a chair on your porch smoking a cigar with the American flag waving in the wind. You even get unemployment payments because your emphysema prevents you from working.
Why would anybody not want to smoke? All the smokers are cool with their wrinkles and cancer. Everybody recognizes a smoker because of their smell. And we are the real backbone of the nation with so much of our salary going to tobacco taxes.

Rory 10th Grade

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